Your SMILE for the Season! This is a cut a paste forward. Kiddies be warned!

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

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Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

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Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones

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Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

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Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

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Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

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Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

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Timmy Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

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Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
All awaited Saint Nick, but heard not a sound.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
Except Billy and Joe Bob, the rebellious butt-heads.

Causing trouble for them was the game
Tee-Peeing the police station was their claim to fame.

It was coal in their stocking for these monsters and more
So they felt it was time to even the score.

Brain storming and scheming that there must be a way
It came to Joe Bob “We’ll hijack his sleigh!”

“We’ll tie him up with ribbons and bows…
“Laugh in his face and shout ho, ho, ho”

“We’ll slam that old sleigh and call it Black Thunder”
“Then rampage the North Pole; pillage and plunder!”

So away into hiding went the two little fries
Just waiting to hit Santa with a little surprise.

Santa touched down near the ‘Ole Liquor Mart’
Gingerly stepped out and then let go a fart.

With a bottle of JD, he was a sorrowful sight
You could tell that Santa had had a difficult night.

Santa seemed a bit anxious from a glance
Or quite possibly he was performing the pee-pee dance.

Joe Bob exclaimed, “Lets jump in while he’s in the john!”
Too bad they both forgot to put their thinking caps on.

They were bucked off the sleigh and thrown quite a distance
For they met with a mighty reindeer resistance.

The two boys laid face first in the snow.
Knowing their plan had taken a blow.

They went back into hiding, ditching plan A
Then decided to jump Santa en-route to his sleigh.

They jumped out of nowhere as he exited the store.
They kicked him in his jingle bells and dragged him to the floor.

Joe Bob and Billy were just going to work
Yelling “Give us your toys you jolly ole’ jerk!”

What the boys didn’t know was Santa had a ‘tude’
When Santa starts to drink he’s one bad dude!

He yelled at the boys “You brats are about to pay”
Then he leaped to his feet and threw them a way.

The reindeer cheered on, pumping their hoofs
Hooting and hollering, shouting “woo, woo, woo”

For the two boys, Santa was just a bit too tough
“Mercy!” cried Joe Bob, Billy yelped “Enough!”

Santa brushed himself off and tightening his buckles
All he could do is simply look and chuckle.

You two are pathetic! Merry Christmas you chumps
It will be coal in your stockings again this year punks.

Santa got back in his sleigh and as he flew out of sight
He proclaimed “Merry Christmas Too All and Try Not to Fight!”